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Good News for People Who Like Bad News
01-18-24
Dear False Positive Readers,
This is Ashley Walton, Mikeās sister and editor of False Positive. I have really terrible, awful news and a tiny bit of good news.
You might have noticed itās been a couple years since weāve posted anything on this website. Well, brace yourself for the saddest update Iāll ever share.
This will end well for him. Yup.
This guy is ridiculously jovial and optimistic. Whatever mission he was on before he got a metal rod through his chest and got ejected into space – he was chosen for it because if his highly optimistic psychological profile. His first word after checking if his larynx works is “marvelous”, he’s fascinated that he can be experimented upon… Man, I feel bad such a good guy is in a False Positive story. I wonder if False Positive negativity can even get this guy down, however. He might go out with a smile.
Maybe it’s the aliens who are trapped with him? Who knows what horrors of cheerful optimism they have dragged from the grave.
I dunno, being brought back from the dead might make one more optimistic than before.
He did have a metal rod through his chest when we met him, not exactly a great conversationalist then.
But yeah, his attitude makes me hope it goes well for him too.
‘Twere me, there might be more screaming and flashbacks. Then again, the human brain is remarkably adept at locking away nasty memories. I personally am missing much of a stretch of several years.
Now I’m worried about some stranger on the internet.
Obviously an upbeat guy like that that would be ‘just thrilled!’ to be part of a False Positive story. So don’t feel bad, he’s looking forward to the gore.
Up for a game of electronic simon says?
What he doesn’t know is that the pipe already passed the aliens’ tests and is hanging out with the talking bad about the primates and other lower life forms. Notice how its not in a cage in the zoo with them.
Well, it beats having a length of rebar through your chest…
The “cellmate” is the alien from Exiled.
Alien One: I am concerned that the specimens might have ill will against us because of the way we treat them. Alien Two: And if they do, what can they do about it? Alien Three: We are ready for the next specimen. It comes from the planet Krypton, I believe.
As a spot of pointless pontification, I find myself wondering which monkey this is. I suspect there’s a specific one here in mind, but I’ve no way of knowing. I’m pretty sure that’s a chimp though, so that does limit the possibilities, slightly. Unfortunately, my knowledge of possible specific ones is somewhat limited, although I suspect one of the ones launched by the Soviet Union… hm.
Now, for some less pointless pontification…. Where’s Earth, during all of this fussing around with spectra? The thought only just now occurred to me.
You don’t recognize Icarus, lost in deep space during the early days of Terra’s interstellar space-warp program in 2136?
…Why yes, so it is! Don’t know how I missed that, my memory must just be slipping in my dotage. š
It’s Mark Wahlberg’s co-star from the shitty Tim Burton Planet of the Apes movie.
Finally! All those years spend solving puzzles in videogames pays off!
If this guy has to push little boxes around, he’s totally set.
I was just wondering how awesome it would be if those aliens ever came to earth and encountered one of those christmas lights that keep flashing patterns of colour. It would be better if they thought the lights were flirting with them!
I think that’s one of the more creative doomsday scenarios I’ve heard lately.
Little did Bill know that immortality and the sweet taste of turkey were one glass barrier away.
turkey^H^H^H^H^H^H pheasant :V
Would have made it too obvious.
I’d start knocking out prime numbers. Then around the four-digit turf, I’d intentionally miss one of them, just to make the aliens wonder if they made some sort of mathematical error for the past few millennia.
Sure, it probably wouldn’t work, but at least being a dick keeps oneself occupied.
Perhaps the alien captors are looking for high priced cooking ingredients… kind of like searching for space truffle.
Just wondering, does anyone else think that little critter on the ceiling looks an awful lot like a certain something from Stink Eye?
(conversation translated from colour coding)
First Alien Upstairs: Getting really hungry,
Second Alien Upstairs: Yeah, wish one of the test subjects would hurry up and pass the test so we can finally get some quality brains to nosh on.
Third alien Upstairs: I know right? Had such hopes with the little furry one and the four armed one, but so far nothing.
First: Bleh… if I have to go one more day on reconstituted brain rations….
How did we dress up the chimps we sent out in the beginning of space travel? Also, would we start with chimps for interstellar journeys?